My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
