i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
