my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
