i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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