I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
