he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
