my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
