theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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