I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Man, jail baloney is awful.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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