Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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