I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My dad just said "fuck circus"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
