.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
