I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
