I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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