Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
