So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
