Yo dont text me then not text me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
