i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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