before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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