Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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