It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.