I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
