After last night, I could never be a politician.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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