If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
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official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection