I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.