Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie