I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
