When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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