If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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