I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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