I wish my penis had an off switch
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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