his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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