How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
