Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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