How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
did i walk over a car last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
