Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
