Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
