hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
