Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
