Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize