I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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