Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
