I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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