Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
