I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
