I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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