Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
