Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
