my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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