dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize