I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
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After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
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What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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