trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
They have beer where we have blood.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
