i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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