Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
