Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
