Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
