tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
