Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found puke in my bra..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
