Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just found a bag of teeth...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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