he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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