I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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