No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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