My sheets look like a crime scene.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
